Black

26 Jun

I think I’ve started a dozen entries in journals, diaries, letters etc., but nothing does him the memory of him any justice. It’s 2:08 a.m. here. I have no idea why he is at the constant center of my thoughts.

My iPod is on repeat playing Pearl Jam’s “black”… Could I be more depressing-__-. Unfortunately I know the answer to that, see some 13 odd years ago this boy stole my heart. I was 14. And he was and to this day (my memory of him) is the absolute most beautiful thing in this world.

His smile may not have lit up a room or any of that other nonsense but when he smiled God, my heart melted. His chin wrinkled in the cutest way and his lips spread out and pulled down at the corners. When he laughed he had this vein on his forehead that bulged a little. I miss it.

Teenage love, ahhhh what can I say. It was more than I wanted, I swore I was this late bloomer. My first kiss was at 14 and a few months later I met him. Instantly I fell for him. He smelled of Hugo, sometimes Curve but it was the first time I inhaled someone’s scent and attached memory to it. We didn’t immediately date, a few weeks passed and I asked him to our friends birthday party. We sat outside hugging, I remember thinking how incredibly hot he looked with his long sleeve button down shirt and his black slacks. He held my hands around him and I rested my head on his shoulder, our peers with the same question are you guys together.
Yes please god let him say yes! I thought.
Him, so cool, held up our clasped hands and said what’s it look like. And from that second on everything changed. At least for me.

We were in love. Young, inexperienced. Young ( yes I know I just said it)… Maybe that was the reason it didn’t work. We spent late hours on the phone, fell asleep and woke up together. He wrote me letters, drew me pictures, brought me roses. He did for me what no guy since has done. He made me feel special, and beautiful, and enough. The best feeling in the world is to know your enough. And he showed me that.